I'm loving it but I have to stop
I have been having sleepless nights. I just stay in bed and think, think, think. Is this love I'm feeling? Oh God please no! Not now, not with him. I have been trying to trace where all these is coming from. Was it because I thought of him one night and the next thing I knew I was seeing him the following morning? And worse seeing a car plate bearing his name on that same morning?! Was that some kind of a joke? Hahaha! Kill me now.
Let me go back a few months prior to that. An accidental meeting somewhere. I told myself "Damn he's the same guy back then". He hasn't changed except for a few girlfriends that I overheard from our common friends. Well, the meeting was just a coincidence. Or so I taught...
With occasional text messages, we became friends again. But as I said, it was OCCASIONAL! It was nothing. Just a friend texting a friend. He made me smile, worse laugh, with some forwarded messages. That was it...
One night on my way home from work I told myself I hope I'd have a good dream. And I did! For five straight nights I was seeing him in it. Very good ones I should say. I was having a great time with him in my dreams. Each moment was very special. But I know that most of what we're seeing in our dreams is the opposite of what is happening or what will happen. People call it HD (hidden desire), that's why I'm seeing him. I was in denial. I was alarmed after the fifth night. I had to tell it to my best friend and another good friend. I wanted to hear their reaction. Again I was in denial...
Next thing I knew, I was including him in my prayers. I was wishing him well. I was looking forward to meeting him just to have a good chat and see for myself what kind of person he has become. I was thinking of him ALL THE TIME. I hated myself for feeling that way. But each day I grew fonder of him.
Finally we met. He was the same guy I fell in love with way, way back. I was smiling on my way home. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to keep him. It felt so strange. Weird but nice. I started to ask some of my close friends about how I was feeling then. I was crying like a baby when I consulted a male friend. He confirmed that I am in love because he was seeing the signs in me. He was very happy for me and he was very supportive. He was glad that he was seeing me genuinely smile because of a special person. I told him he's out of his mind.
Okay, okay I admit to the world that I love him. Satisfied? I know I can take good care of him and give all the love that I can give. My feelings I know are true. I love it. I am trying to enjoy every moment of it but I'm really scared. Things are too complicated. Because I know at the end of the day, he and I can never be. I know that for a fact. I have to let go of these feeelings because if I go on with it, I am bound to get hurt big time in the end.
It took years for me to feel this way again. I know he's a very good guy and he deserves to be with someone else. It's not me I know. The friendship is better than anything else. I'd slowly drift away and go on with my life.
After all, he hasn't worn pink!
Let me go back a few months prior to that. An accidental meeting somewhere. I told myself "Damn he's the same guy back then". He hasn't changed except for a few girlfriends that I overheard from our common friends. Well, the meeting was just a coincidence. Or so I taught...
With occasional text messages, we became friends again. But as I said, it was OCCASIONAL! It was nothing. Just a friend texting a friend. He made me smile, worse laugh, with some forwarded messages. That was it...
One night on my way home from work I told myself I hope I'd have a good dream. And I did! For five straight nights I was seeing him in it. Very good ones I should say. I was having a great time with him in my dreams. Each moment was very special. But I know that most of what we're seeing in our dreams is the opposite of what is happening or what will happen. People call it HD (hidden desire), that's why I'm seeing him. I was in denial. I was alarmed after the fifth night. I had to tell it to my best friend and another good friend. I wanted to hear their reaction. Again I was in denial...
Next thing I knew, I was including him in my prayers. I was wishing him well. I was looking forward to meeting him just to have a good chat and see for myself what kind of person he has become. I was thinking of him ALL THE TIME. I hated myself for feeling that way. But each day I grew fonder of him.
Finally we met. He was the same guy I fell in love with way, way back. I was smiling on my way home. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to keep him. It felt so strange. Weird but nice. I started to ask some of my close friends about how I was feeling then. I was crying like a baby when I consulted a male friend. He confirmed that I am in love because he was seeing the signs in me. He was very happy for me and he was very supportive. He was glad that he was seeing me genuinely smile because of a special person. I told him he's out of his mind.
Okay, okay I admit to the world that I love him. Satisfied? I know I can take good care of him and give all the love that I can give. My feelings I know are true. I love it. I am trying to enjoy every moment of it but I'm really scared. Things are too complicated. Because I know at the end of the day, he and I can never be. I know that for a fact. I have to let go of these feeelings because if I go on with it, I am bound to get hurt big time in the end.
It took years for me to feel this way again. I know he's a very good guy and he deserves to be with someone else. It's not me I know. The friendship is better than anything else. I'd slowly drift away and go on with my life.
After all, he hasn't worn pink!
posted by rhaych @ 3:23 AM
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