The Attack, The Scene

I don't know how I'm going back to the office. Quite a scene I did there this morning and I think I scared a number of people.

I'm scared too. I don't know why such things are happening to me. The past few weeks have been quite a limbo and I am still waiting for the reasons that they are occurring to me. It's either I am so happy or I am so lonely. Hormonal changes? It's the time of the month? Karma? Or there could be other several reasons that I can't figure out at this time.

I think the medicine given to me this morning is taking its effect. A lot of thoughts are running in my head now just like this morning before I had my attack. I was taking a call, when I felt a terrible pain on my chest that I instantly sent an IM to Ate Sundee that we relax a bit until the end of the shift. I told her I could not breathe very well. I think she sent an ok message. Then my vision got hazy when I was taking another call. I was closing my eyes and after that I told Vhal to get me some water because I could not breathe anymore. I was trying to fight back the pain and I was asking God not to let the attack happen in the office. Not there. Not that time. The pain was becoming unbearable and I couldn't move my hands, my legs, my whole body. I could not talk anymore. I was hyperventilating. I was just crying and trying to move my eyes and head when they asked me questions. I was trying to fight back the pain but there was nothing I could really do. They started coming to me, trying to massage my stiff hands and legs. I did try to move but I could not. My tears were just falling. I was catching my breath. I was very scared. They had called for the nurse, for someone to bring the wheelchair, for someone to bring me down to the clinic, for someone to call up my Nanay, for someone to get my Nanay's number from my Tatay without letting my Tatay know that I could not breathe, for someone to look for my Medicard, for someone to drive my car to bring me to the hospital. I don't really know who they were at that time, there were several voices, but I know a lot of people were moving to help me. I thank them so much and I apologize deeply for the trouble that I have caused.

The attacks have been happening lately. But I readily act on it and control myself but this morning there was nothing I could do. Have I been thinking or worrying too much the past few days? I don't know. Or I'm just very tired? The physician said I have very low blood sugar level. How can that be when we have been eating all night in the office? A doctor had previously advised me to relax and not think of my problems too much. That's what I have been doing or so I think. I'm smiling and trying to be happy even if I'm crumbling inside.

I know I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna handle everything well. I'm praying very hard now.