Oh March, please march away!

It's the first day of April and they call it April Fool's Day. Is it possible to get just a day of fools or a day for fools? I don't wanna get into the reason that such a day was created. But can it be that fate has been fooling me the past fews weeks or months? March was no different from February. I live each day with fear that it might turn out bad. I know it's such a bad thought but I made sure that I am always on guard. Trying to keep my defenses in check. But you know there were still times when my defenses fall weak and I get momentarily trapped into the abyss.

I just don't seem to understand why I'm always in a limbo. Least to say, there are moments that I feel happy. It wasn't always the down moments. I just don't know why I can't get to that place called happiness and contentment. I ask myself if I'm always asking for more. I don't think so. I just ask what I need and hope that I get it. If I were to put a ratio for the month that was, there were more pitfalls than summits. I would get a taste of that summit but then I couldn't hang on to it. All I have were mental pictures of it and wish that it happens again to me. This life tests me in the least unexpected way.

There was a time that I was super depressed because I can't understand what I was feeling. Lo and behold, the following day some unexpected surprise happens that I had to pinch myself constantly to check that I wasn't dreaming. But as I said it was momentary, it was fleeting. I'm not even sure if it's gone. I would be able to fix a relationship with a friend but then before I knew it he was being taken away from me. I know there's an underlying reason for that. I love someone so much but I can never have him. But why does he keep coming back into my life? Someone loves you so much but you love someone else. How difficult can that be?

At my age, I'm supposed to know what to do but I get to a point when I'm so confused. I don't know if I have to step forward or backward. Is this a test that I have to go through before my birthday comes? I'm tired of crying on my birthdays. Ever since I was 18, I've always cried on my birthdays for varied reasons. I'm tired of it. I just wanna get over that day without shedding a tear even if it's gonna be tears of joy. No more tears for me please!

I guess I have to continue with my shaky life. I'm still thankful for the fun times with people and the situations. I can still smile and thankfully laugh every now and then. I always have to rise above the situation because if not, I'm gonna be at the losing end. I just wanna be completely happy. But is there such a thing?

To cap the month of March, I had a good massage, a facial, good company and churros (that I've been craving for days). Thankfully, the last day of March was a good one.

It's April and I'm still hoping that it gets better. I deserve a break from all these and I look forward to my cheesecake birthday. The quest for the cheesecake in town has just began. I just bought myself 3 slices and I got a kick out of it. Simple pleasures can simply make me smile. Hey, let's wish me a Happy Birthday!

PS:

Best hirits for the month of March:
I am torn between two unforgettable hirits for the month that I can't forget.

I was leaving early for work because we were having dinner with our clients. All dressed and made up I was checking my car when my neighbor's 3-year old daughter passed by. I barely know her and she doesn't see me everytime. Here's what she said in her high-pitched cute voice: "HELLO! Ang ganda mo. Ano pangalan mo?". That kid is amazing!

I was walking with my officemate to the MRT one morning. I was asking him why he was so quiet. I was always the one talking. He said he's really a shy person. Then seriously, he asked me if I notice that his hands are always in his pockets and if I took psychology because there was an explanation for that. I told him I had a few units of psych. He asked "Alam mo ba yung reason kung bakit nasa bulsa ko parati yung kamay ko?". I answered without thinking "kase makati yung singit mo!'. Clearly I wasn't thinking at all and I found myself laughing at my answer.