Getting There

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once...and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry... you will someday.

-from American Beauty

Hi guys! I'm back with a vengeance. It's been a while since I blogged and man it feels great to do this again.

What happened to me? Well aside from the fact that our phoneline had a problem for such a long time, it was also a choice on my part to stay away from the computer. Me, avoid the computer?! Oh yes! Back in the day, I thought I'd die without internet. But guess what, I did survive. Woohoo!

It's a good thing that our phoneline brokedown and I was not able to connect to the internet. As my friend said, God did it on purpose so that I can focus my attention on other things. It gave me the chance to get a better perspective on what my life was and where it was heading.

The first few weeks were a bit difficult. My health was somehow affected because I had a lot of sleepless nights. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional stress that I had. The pain was just welling-up inside. I was dealing it all by myself. I had no way of releasing it. First of all, what kind of release should I do? Should I cry? I don't think so. Up to this very day, I haven't cried over what happened to me. I don't have the right to cry or complain. Besides, it's all my fault. I had the choice to do what was right but I did not. Since I got myself into this mess, I had to pull myself out of it especially the misery part. I needed to and I had to. But still, I'm taking each day at a time.

The rest was very timely because it did help me a lot. I stayed home most of the time. Of course, I was able to hang out with my friends and I felt the love just being with them. I didn't have to say anything and I'm glad that they respected my silence. The fact that I still have my family and friends brought me back to my senses. And I just had to hang on to my faith every time I felt that the pain was affecting me.

Before I knew it, I was driving really fast again. If only my brother and cousins could see how I would overtake trucks and buses along Commonwealth Avenue, they will be amazed (or I might get a scolding again). Nowadays, I've been braving EDSA like nothing. At low moments, I'd listen to Timbaland's "The Way I Are", Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back" and Squareheads' "Happy". These dance songs are great picks for adrenaline because I had to endorphinize. Slowly, my life was getting back to normal. In the most unexpected time, God gave me a job which I looked forward to doing. It's such a blessing! And now that I'm undergoing training in this job, it keeps my mind off from what I went through. Aside from that, I have new friends who have been making me laugh like no other.

I know I'm on my way to recovery. There are a few adjustments and changes that I had to do in my life as part of the healing process. Some lessons in life are really learned the hard way but it makes you a stronger person in the end. You think you are in control and you know everything only to find out that you are totally wrong. I wasn't so amazing after all. In my heart, I can honestly say that there are no angry feelings or whatsoever. There's a reason that I had to go through all that. Because if not for that, I would not be the tough person that I am today. To you, thank you!

Out of Reach

by Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now i feel like a fool
So confused,
My hearts bruised
Was i ever loved by you?

CHORUS
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If i stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know i will be ok

But i was
So confused,
My hearts bruised
Was i ever loved by you?

CHORUS
Out of reach, so far
i never had your heart
Out of reach
Couldn't see
We were never meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes A while to regain
What is lost, inside
And i hope that in time
you'll be out of my mind
i'll be over you

But now i'm
So confused,
My hearts brused
Was i ever loved by you?

CHORUS
Out of reach
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be
Out of reach,
So far
you never gave your heart
In my reach, i can see
Theres a life out there
For me

Wow this is one long blog! I'm hoping for better entries in the future as I embark on another journey in my so-called life.

Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go.

- from Grey's Anatomy