rhaychagainstthemachine

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Useless

In general, I can say that I'm physically strong all my life. You won't find me stationary for a long time. There's always something that I would do because if not I think I would die. I would be running around, dancing to any beat, going to different places, etc.

Some people notice that I walk very fast. I remember my officemates teasing me with my speedy walk. We would usually walk along the covered walkway from our office in Ayala to the Ayala MRT station. One time, we all went out of the office at the same time but I needed to go to our other office along Paseo so I told them to go ahead. After I was done with my errand in our Paseo office, I started walking back to our path. And you know what, I actually saw them still on the covered walkway and was able to get pass through them. They were so amazed. I told them that they just walked too slow. But they argued that I just walk too fast.

To make people happy, I do certain dance moves. There was even a dance move that they call "Do the Rhaych". Because there was a time that when I'm happy I do the crazy Rhaych step.

But that was all before. Now, I'm no longer like that. I'm freakingly weak that I cannot even do things on my own. Life can be a little unfair!

After last Monday's surgery on my back, I was hopeful that I can go back to normal. My normal life. My normal me. I thought that once I'm discharged from the hospital, I'm about 70-80% okay. But I was wrong. It frustrates me that I'm not even 50% okay.

Here I am lying back on my bed as I write my thoughts on this notebook with a pencil. I do have a laptop but I was told by my doctor through my PT that I can't sit for more than an hour. Most of the time I'm lying on this bed. What's worse, I can't even change my position on this bed without asking for someone's assistance. I need assistance to turn to my side. I need assistance in putting my legs on the pillow. I need assistance to stand up from the bed. I need assistance in taking a bath. Almost everything is either given to or done for me. Gosh I've never felt this small and needless to say useless! I'm used to getting things done on my own. I appreciate the support that they give me but I can't help but feel worthless and hopeless.

I cry myself to sleep thinking why this happened to me. I can't help but cry over what happened to me. My family tells me to keep on with my PT sessions and never lose hope. Won't you lose hope if you need someone to even flush the toilet for you? The doctors, my PT, my family and my friends say that I can go back to normal. When and how? For someone with low EQ like me, everyday is a struggle for me. The words of encouragement are overwhelming. Thank you!I know I should be taking one step at a time but deep within me I can't help but feel upset.

Just please continue praying for me. Thank you for your prayers and support.

I can't wait to do the "Rhaych" and my cartwheels.

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Leaflet that Was

Last year we watched this indie film entitle "100" wherein the dying heroine asked her secretary to make photocopies of information about her illness and what caused it. She wanted to spare her mother from giving the same story to those who will come to her wake. I thought it was a very brilliant idea.

Recently, I was hospitalized and I found myself giving the same story as to what had happened to me to every set of visitor that came by. It's not that I'm complaining. It was just tiring andthe story would be longer as I counted the days that I stayed in the hospital. I told myself that I should have made a leaflet so that I could have discussed other topics with my visitors rather than talking about my debilitating illness. I would have preferred talking about other stuff since my visitors are friends whom I have not seen for a while.

Well now, I'm out of the hospital and those who don't know yet would still ask what exactly happened to me. I know I can't avoid these questions so let me give you a blow-by-blow account, so as to at least lessen the interrogation. In case anyone would ask me again, I'd be showing this entry, my leaflet.

1999
I was diagnosed as to having lumbar strain that's why I went through physical therapy at Philippine Orthopedic Hospital.

Jan 2005
I was getting ready to work when I sneezed and felt pain running down my lower back to my legs. It was as if my muscles have been twisted. I still managed to go to work but I couldn't go out of the car anymore to walk. The doctor said that my lumbar strain is back.

Mar 2008
My lower back was giving me pain again. My X-ray showed that my lumbar strain was getting worse. To deal with it, I went through physical therapy sessions and was given pain management meds.

Jun 2008
The pain was a lot worse. My doctor ordered that I get an MRI for my lower back. The MRI plate confirmed that I have slip disc at L4, L5, S1. I went through extensive physical therapy sessions. This time I had traction. My pain management meds were of high dosage.

Aug 19, 2009
I woke up because I needed to sneeze. It was one big forceful sneeze. After that, I felt the pain on my lower back and I was having a hard time standing up. I took one of my previously prescribed meds and I felt a little better.

Aug 20, 2009
I decide to visit my doctor, Dr. Vicky Morales, to have a consult. I had told her what had happened the day before and from which she had asked me what my pain scale was. I told her it was 7. I was having some difficulty walking as she was examining me. She asked if i wanted to be confined so that they can monitor my condition. I quickly said "No!" because I knew it would be a hassle to my family if I get hospitalized. We both agreed that I just go through extensive physical therapy sessions again. She then prescribed me with stronger pain management meds. I clearly remembered that she suggested that I go back to the hospital right away if the pain gets worse. After the check-up, I went through my PT session with PT Janice and I felt a lot better.

Aug 21, 2009
I woke up with a very painful back. I was trying not to take the meds, but to no avail. I wanted to go to the hospital but since it was a holiday, I knew that the PT rehab would be closed and my records are there. Soon, the meds took effect. But I was thinking if I depended on it too much.

Aug 22, 2009
I went to my scheduled PT session with PT Janice. I told her about the pain that I felt the day before. She advised me that if I felt that same pain again, I should go to the hospital for confinement so that I can be monitored. I promised her that I will never be confined.

Aug 23, 2009
Nanay and I were off to here Mass. After driving a few blocks away from our house, I suddenly felt severe pain from my lower back down to my left leg. It felt like it was twisted. It was like the worst leg cramp in the world. I was crying inside the car because I couldn't move. After a few minutes of struggling inside the car, I managed to drive back home but I was screaming with so much pain as I got out of the car. I was crying when I reached my bed. I couldn't lie flat on my back. It was really painful. My parents handed me my meds and had put hot compress on my lower back. But it was no use. Any movement I made on the bed caused so much pain. I had asked my parents to bring me to the hospital because the pain was really unbearable. In no time, my brother came and I was brought to the hospital's emergency room. I only stopped crying when they gave me a very strong pain reliever through my IV. Dr. Vicky came and said that I need to stay in the hospital for further observation. I had X-ray, blood test, etc. that afternoon.

Aug 24, 2009
Dr. Vicky came by early and had suggested that I take bedside PT sessions twice a day. I told her that my left leg felt a bit weak compared to my right leg, movement and sensory-wise. She assessed my condition. I told her I wanted to go home. She said she can only discharge me if I feel better. I had two bedside PT sessions that day with Janice.

Aug 25, 2009
I told Dr. Vicky that I was feeling better and I wanted to go home the next day. She said that they can't force me to stay but I have to make sure that I continue my PT sessions as outpatient and continue with my meds as well. I had 2 PT sessions again with PT Janice. That night I was all by myself in my hospital room when I suddenly felt numbness on my lower back to my upper left thigh. It was just for a few seconds and I managed to position myself on the bed. I didn't bother that much.


Aug 26, 2009
I was discharged that afternoon after going through the PT sessions with PT Janice. Dr. Vicky also advised me to wear a lumbar support all the time for a few weeks to make sure that my movement would be limited.

Aug 27, 2009
Grace accompanied me to the hospital for my PT session. But since I can't drive with my condition, Grace and I commuted. I was feeling the numbness from my lower back to my upper right thigh. Hence, I was having difficulty walking continuously. I had to stop every now and then to rest.

Aug 28, 2009
I was feeling much better and was preparing for my next PT session the following day.

Aug 29, 2009
I was feeling uneasy again when I woke up with some pain on my lower back. Unfortunately, I couldn't help but sneeze. Then I felt something like electricity running from my lower back to the tips of my toes. After that, it was painful to move my legs. I couldn't go to my PT session anymore. I took my meds but the relief wore off too fast. I was just lying still the whole day. Going to the CR was such a pain on my legs. That night I was crying again because of the pain that I was feeling. I tried hard to bear with it. I didn't want to go back to the hospital just yet. I think I only got a few hours of sleep that night because from time to time I would be awakened with the pain on my lower back down to my legs.

Aug 30, 2009
After carefully trying out different positions, I found the best position for me with lesser pain. It was sitting up right with my legs stretched out. I ate and slept in that position. However, when CR time came, it was such a challenge. I was trying to assess myself if I need to go to the hospital. For one, my brother was in Tarlac and no one would drive for us to the hospital. Two, I knew that I have a very serious condition and it would mean spending a lot of money on hospitalization and meds. I thought that if by the end of the day, I don't get better, I will go to the hospital the next day.

Aug 31, 2009
I woke up early due to the pain on my lower back. I was having difficulty straightening up. My position the earlier day was no longer good for me. I looked at myself in the mirror and my body was already bent towards the right beyond my control. I knew I needed to go to the hospital. Nanay started gathering the things that we'll be bringing with us to the hospital. We had big bags because with my condition, we felt it was no overnight stay. We were preparing for the worst. I managed to take a bath while Nanay got a cab that will bring us back to the hospital. Inside the ER, I was given a higher dosage of pain reliever through my IV. The attending physician contacted Dr. Vicky and she had ordered to stop all previously given meds since higher dosages of new meds would be administered to me. I felt a bit relieved with the new meds given to me but I noticed that I was peeing a lot. I was getting up from my bed with my IV to the CR almost every hour. Dr. Vicky came by in the afternoon to assess my condition. She had asked me to wiggle my toes and move my big toe up. I knew I was trying my best but they weren't moving. She said that she has referred me to another doctor who will check on me the next day. An MRI at Delos Santos Medical Center has been arranged for the next day. I would be transported there via the hospital's ambulance.

Sept 1, 2009
I transferred to another room and was assigned with a new PT, Mike. I was wheeled to the PT clinic for my session. During that PT session, I couldn't bear lying on my back straight on the bed. There was also burning sensation on my lower back to my toes. PT Mike decided that I do the same sitting position that I was comfortable with the other day.
Dr. Vicky came by to check on me and asked if I was open to the idea of surgery based on my situation. I was against it because I knew we won't be able to afford it.
By lunch, the other doctor, Dr. Eric Morales came and assessed me. He explained that with my current condition where there is weakness, they really suggest that the patient undergo surgery. I asked him about the procedure and the expenses. He told me that my lower back will be opened and the compression on my spine will be released. The surgery would cost about 200 thousand pesos. Upon hearing the cost, I told him that I'm not up for it. He said that since I'm scheduled for an MRI in the afternoon, it will help in their assessment if I really need to go through surgery or not.
After he left, Mike came for my PT session.


Then I prepared myself for the MRI at Delos Santos Medical Center. I was really excited because it was my first time to ride in an ambulance. My schedule there was at 4 PM but I was only brought down at 3:30 PM. I even told the ambulance driver that we might not make it on time. He assured me that we will. With us was my Nanay, Grace, Nurse Diane and a resident doctor. I couldn't lie down because of the pain so I opted to sit down on my bed. I was really excited for the ambulance adventure. I was even taking pictures of myself inside the ambulance. I even asked Nurse Diane when will the ambulance siren sound, she said in a while I can enjoy it. They were all excited for me. And then there was the siren. Woohoo! Then we were doing counterflow which made it more exciting for me. But just a few blocks away from the hospital, I started feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. Then I barfed! Galing ko! I threw up a lot. I was vomiting like crazy on myself and in the ambulance. I was feeling weak. The resident doctor had asked Nanay and Grace to buy med to stop me from throwing up. I said I won't be able to go through the MRI. The attendee from Delos Santos said that if we reschedule, they will be charging an extra P800. So I went through with it. I was advised to lay still inside the MRI but since I'm uncomfortable in that position, I felt the painful burning sensation on my lower back to my legs again. I was shouting with so much pain inside the MRI, begging them to pull me out. That was the most painful 15 minutes of my life! When it was over, I was screaming with so much pain because I couldn't move anymore from waist down. Good thing Nurse Diane administered a very high dosage of Tramadol through my IV. I felt a bit relieved while still sobbing. After a few minutes, I threw up again. I still felt sick when I got back into the ambulance and back to MVMC. Nanay asked the resident doctor if the initial reading on my MRI was okay. The doctor said it'll be Dr. Vicky and Dr. Eric who will discuss it with us. When I reached my hospital room, I took a bath to remove all the vomit shit on me.

Sept 2, 2009
I had my PT session with Mike in the morning. By lunch time Dr. Vicky came by to discuss the initial reading since the plate is still at Delos Santos. She said that it indeed showed that my nerve has been compressed causing the pain on my lower back and numbness on my feet. She once again offered surgery. But I told her that I'm not amenable to it. I'd rather have PT sessions all my life. She said that Dr. Eric will discuss it with me further. In my afternoon PT session, I had discussed the findings and recommendation with PT Mike. He said that it's really my decision. He offered suggestions such as UP PGH or Phil Orthopedic just in case I want to proceed with the surgery with lower expenses. I tried enduring the traction despite the pain because I was conditioning myself that I can bear the pain without surgery.

Sept 3, 2009
I woke up at around 2:30 AM to adjust the A/C in my room. I was trying to reach for the A/C knob but I was having difficulty. My legs were too weak to pull up my body. I had to hold on to the bars on my bed for support. When PT Mike picked me up for my session, I was having difficulty putting on my slippers. It was as if my feet won't keep on. I didn't feel the slippers on my feet. When I stood up, I had to be assisted. My legs were very, very weak. When PT Mike asked me to flex and extend my feet, it wouldn't. After so many days of trying to stay strong, I started feeling scared. PT Mike called Dr. Vicky and reported what was happening. I knew we really needed to discuss my condition with the doctors. A meeting was set with the two doctors.

Sept 4, 2009
After my PT session with PT Mike, Dr. Eric discussed the result of the MRI with me and my Nanay. He said that I won't be needing any titanium rods on my spine which is a good thing because the surgery won't cause as much as 200 thousand pesos. He gave us a fair quotation and even helped us with the approval of the procedure ASAP from my health care provider. We had set the operation at 6:30AM on September 7, 2009. As soon as Dr. Eric left, the fund-raising for my operation began. I had my blood typing, bleeder's test and clotting test that afternoon. Two bags of blood had also been requested in case something goes wrong. Before the day was over, we knew we had the needed amount.

Sept 5, 2009
I was needing assistance going to and from the CR. I was already taking a bath sitting down. I endured the two PT session with Mike thinking that I am going to get better in two days. I even attended the anticipated Mass in the hospital with my IV on and I was in a wheelchair.

Sept 6, 2009
Dr. Vicky had pre-op talk. She had prepped me to what will happen. By lunch time, my friends and family had come to wish me well. It was like my last day on earth. There were so many people inside my room and there were so much food as well. My Nanay had asked them to leave at 9PM so that I can rest for the next day's operation.

Sept 7, 2009
I woke up at 3:30AM to go to the CR. Nanay had accompanied me. I started praying the rosary. I was a bit scared but I wanted to get it over and done with. I wanted to go back to normal. By 5AM, the nurse came by to do a skin test in case I would have allergic reaction on the antibiotic that they will give me after the operation. It was really itchy. I had to go through it twice because I couldn't tell the difference between the control and the variable. By 6AM, I was being asked to remove everything and just leave my gown on. I even washed my face and brushed my teeth. This is my battle, I have to be prepared! By 6:30AM, Dr. Eric was already inside my room assisting the nurses to bring me to the operating room. I felt eerie inside the operating room. There were so many lights. I wanted to pee but I couldn't do it in the bed pan. The nurse and I tried it twice but I couldn't. Soon Dr. Clotario, the anesthesiologist, was chatting up with me. I got to meet one of the 3 spine specialists in the Philippines and he was operating on me. And then I blocked out. I think I was already inside the recovery room when I heard people talking but I was too drugged to even bother that I slept. Aside from that I knew I had an oxygen device on me. I could here my heartbeat through the monitor. I even tried playing by controlling my breathing and listening how my heartbeat would sound. But I was very weak to continue with my game. Once in a while, someone would wake me up to check. I don't know why they do that. It's a violation of my blissful sleep! Then finally I woke up when they started removing the devices attached to me. I was being moved back to my room. My family was there but I was too wasted to talk. I felt hungry but I wasn't allowed to eat yet unless I fart. I didn't want to eat as well upon realizing that I have a catheter on and a hemovac on my back, draining the excess blood on my back. I just decided to sleep.

Sept 8, 2009
I initially asked for water when I woke up. I was starting to feel the pain on my wound. The catheter was uncomfortable but it prevents me from going to the CR. I washed my face on the bed. How? It's a talent. I had light bedside PT sessions with PT Mike that day. Dr. Vicky and Dr. Eric checked on me. They assured me that everything went well and I can go back to normal in no time. Yippee! But then I felt a bit grouchy that day because my wound was really painful and the hemovac and catheter were really uncomfortable. I was having hot flashes and the A/C seemed to be not working but it was. Any movement on my bed irritates me because it adds to my painful wound. I was very irritable with the nurses. What's worse I was having a fever!

Sept 9, 2009
I woke up alone in my room. I couldn't move much because of the things attached to me. I couldn't reach the buzzer for the nurse's station. I remember I started crying because I felt so weak. When Grace arrived, I had asked her to have the nurses call Dr. Eric to remove my catheter and hemovac. I was uncomfortable doing my PT sessions with PT Mike. The nurse didn't know what to do but I said that my bladder is full and I want the catheter removed. She replaced the catheter with a diaper since I couldn't go to the CR with the hemovac. When the diaper was on, I couldn't pee. Shit! Soon Dr. Eric was in my room and was removing the hemovac and dressing my wound. I told him I wanted to really take bath. So he replaced the dressing with a waterproof sheet. Dr. Eric had advised my Nanay that I can be discharged the next day. Whoa! When he left, PT Mike continued with my sessions. This time I had to do my sessions sitting down and standing up. It was really hard! But I was excited that I'm better than the last few days. He even had me practice my walking. He just advised me not to lose the spirit that I can do it and go back to normal. Dr. Vicky came by that afternoon and had checked my PT progress. She was very happy. I was too. I wanted to take a bath. Unfortunately that same night, I was having fever again.

Sept 10, 2009
I was wheeled to the PT clinic by PT Mike for my session. My slippers still wouldn't stay on. PT Mike had secured them with Micropore tape on my feet. It felt hard to start standing and walking again. By 3PM I was discharged from the hospital and was brought to my Ninong's house for complete recovery.

This doesn't look like a leaflet. More like a brochure or a journal. Whatever! I hope I won't be recounting the experience again because it brings back very difficult moments in my life.