rhaychagainstthemachine

Thursday, July 26, 2007

May Lubak

May isang kalye na halos araw-araw kong dinadaanan. Isang buwan na ng simulang gawin ang kalyeng ito. Ngunit may isang lubak na tila nakalimutan nilang ayusin.

Sa tuwing aalis ako alam ko sa sarili ko na dadaanan ko na naman ang nasabing lubak kaya dapat magdahan-dahan ako pag papalapit na ako dito. Pero sadyang di ko maiwasan o matandaan na may lubak sa parteng iyon. Nagugulat na lamang ako na nalubak na naman ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit di ko maiwasan ang nasabing lubak na ito.

Sadya nga bang di ko iniiwasan para magulat ako na nalubak ako? Bakit di na lang ako dumaan sa ibang kalye ng maiwasan ang lubak na ito? Bakit parate kong nakakalimutan na may lubak pag malapit na ko dun? Sino ang aayos ng lubak na ito? Kailan ito maayos?

May lubak na di maiwasan. Parang buhay....

Monday, July 16, 2007

Giving Up

With all the stress that I went through with my employment for Canada, my mom and I decided that it is not worth it. I know it's a very big opportunity but I'm still hoping that God has better plans for me. I will be staying in a while, be part of the unemployed statistics, take a hike and be back with a new and better perspective in life.

To those who got excited and sad because of my departure, I'm sorry for dragging you to those emotions but I appreciated the fact that you went your way out to meet up with me. Like I said in my previous entry, there will be no goodbyes whatever happens.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My Last Goodbye

My job application to Canada has been giving me a lot of stress lately. I don't know what to feel and think anymore.

The moment I verified that I have to be there by July 29, I cried because I wasn't prepared yet. I asked for an extention and my employer said it's okay. That gave me some kind of relief because I would have more time to actually spend time with people I care most about. A few weeks later, my employer informed me that my request for an extension has been denied and they were expecting me to be there earlier, July 24. I cried again. I didn't know what to feel anymore. I suddenly thought that I won't be able to say my goodbyes to a few more people. And now, my ultimate dilemma. My visa hasn't been processed yet. I can't be there by July 24. I don't know if it's my fault or someone else or the process itself.

I don't know if I should feel relieved that my departure will be delayed. That would mean I can still spend time with my family and friends. I am scared because I don't know how long I would be delayed. I know I should go and I should get going. I told myself that I won't cry anymore. I won't be saying my goodbyes and put much effort in seeing my friends. Once my papers are ready, that's it. No more tears. No more goodbyes. I'd go as soon as possible.

This is the last time that I'm going to say goodbye whether I leave in a few days, weeks, months or not even at all.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Lost

The past few days I've been driving slower than usual. I am enjoying the time of actually looking around rather than speeding up my car. It gives me the time to actually think things through. Just like this morning.

It normally takes me about 35 minutes to drive from the office to our house on Saturday mornings. But not today. I think it took about an hour and a half before I got home. I was trying to relax while I drove. It's like I was reflecting while I was driving.


I don't like what I've become. I'm still figuring out how I should start forgiving myself. I wanted to pound my head for not functioning at an appropriate time. I was staring blankly on the road thinking how I should start rebuilding myself. Leaving the country would really be able to help me. I just have to be tough as I should have been. I should have been able to slay the demons that have been haunting me. It's a heavy feeling but I know this shall pass. I would really appreciate silence now so I can go back to the root of the evil in me.

I know I'm going to bounce back from this. I just have to reassure myself that I'm the tough girl that everyone knows. I'd be smiling again.

BiG GIRLS DON'T CRY
(Fergie)

La Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, CLARITY
PEACE, SERENITY

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a MOVE ON with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I MUST GO ALONE
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I FORESEE THE DARK AHEAD IF I STAY

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'M GONNA MISS YOU LIKE A CHILD MISSES THEIR BLANKET
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Ganto ko Kayo Tawagin

Pare. Bro. 'Tol. Chong. Oist. Huy. Bes.

Call me rough or with no breeding. But this is how I sometimes call my closest friends rather than mentioning their names. I grew up like this and I don't think I'm going to change just to please a few people.

I remember one time, I was talking to my best friend on the phone and my uncle overheard me. My uncle said that he counted the number of times that I uttered "pare". He said about 20 times in an hour.

Nowadays, whether it'd be a girl or a boy, I use Bro most of the time. Kanya-kanya lang trip yan. Nawiwirduhan ka? Affected ka? Ako hinde! Deal with it!

Monday, July 02, 2007

Catch Me I'm Falling (by Toni Gonzaga)

I don’t know why
But when I look in your eyes
I felt something that seems so right
You’ve got yours I’ve got mine
I think I’m losing my mind
Cause I SHOULDN'T FEEL THIS WAY

Catch me...I’m falling for you
And I don’t know what to do

How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along
Catch me…I’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong?
For love to come along
Catch me…I’m falling for you

How can love let it go?
When it has no place to go
and I can’t go along…pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me I’m falling for you

If I could just walk away
Without you from day to day
I would die just thinking of you
I know WE CAN NEVER BE
More than friends, you and me
But why do I feel this way

Catch me…I’m falling for you
And I don’t know what to do

How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along
Catch me…I’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong?
For love to come along
Catch me…I’m falling for you

Maybe someday I’ll see
Why love did this to me
Cause I can’t go along…PRETENDING
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me I’m falling for you
Catch me…I’m falling for you

And IT'S WRONG FOR ME TO FEEL THIS WAY
Cause I don’t know what to do without you
I’M FALLING FOR YOU
Catch me…I’m falling for you

HOW CAN SOMETHING SO WRONG
FEEL SO RIGHT ALL ALONG
Catch me…I’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong?
For love to come along
Catch me…I’m falling for you


I don't know. The first time I heard this in full, I got so affected. Hahaha! I've been singing this song the past few days. As in dibdiban! I heard my niece singing this as well. The song is so apt to what I've been feeling lately. Just kidding! Well, I just like the song. Plus Toni's a good singer and it's the theme song of the Koreanovela "Which Star Are You From?" that I have finished watching. I loved it! Keep on watching it. It's so nice! Going back to the song, I can say it's my song of the moment.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Waaaah Mamimiss Ko!

Thank you! I just received an e-mail from my employer granting my request that my appointment be moved on a later date. He told me that he'll let me know by next week the changes. I'd really spend quality time on my extension.

Just this morning I told Cholo and Lui that I'll be leaving soon. As soon as they hopped in my car, I can't help not to give them the tightest hug. I had to wear my shades because I was trying to hold back my tears. I started telling them about my plans of spending quality time with them and they are so game. We're gonna have fun!

Anyways, while I was driving home I was thinking of people, things and events that I'd miss when I leave. Images of people that I care most about was flashing before me. I had to tell myself that I'm driving and I can't be in an accident because I'm leaving soon. So I drove slower tha usual.

It's different when you just leave a job or relocate in a new home because there's always a way to meet up with old friends. It's different when you're miles away and talking to your loved-ones would mean money. You can't even get their hugs that will assure you that they are there and everything will be alright.

Here's a list of who and what I'd definitely miss:
  • Nanay. I'd miss the times that I talk to her either in my room or in the car. I'd miss the times when I share my frustrations and my problems with her. She listens very well without prejudice. Si Nanay laging nakasuporta. I don't even see a glimpse of sadness in her eyes when I told her that I'm leaving. That's how strong my Nanay is. I'd definitely miss her good cooking.
  • My conversations with Cholo. He is so smart. I'd miss the times when he tries to reason out, the times that I clean his toenails, the times that we talk about games, Ateneo, songs, food, TV shows. I won't get the chance to see his circumcision. I won't be able to give him the heartiest laugh ever when that time comes.
  • Luisa's caring arms. I'd miss the times when we snuggle, when I fix her hair, when I hear her sing and when I see her dance, when she suddenly butts in conversations ang gives out her hirits. I'd miss her kisses. She's probably going to give me more than 7 "mwahs" (which lasts for a week til I see her again on Sundays), it's gonna be hundreds. I won't see her first communion.
  • Eriel. I'd miss my goddaugghter's baptism and first birthday. I won't be able to hear her first words and see her development.
  • Kuya Rei. It is only now that we are getting close. He helps me out in almost anything. It's like all of a sudden we had put our disagreements behind us.
  • Kuya Roy. When he comes home every summer, I'd miss his stories and his jokes.
  • My cousins, my nephews and nieces. Our get-togethers and our love for food and picture-taking. I'd miss our conversations and your sometimes serious advice.
  • Teepee. You have been my companion for almost 3 years. You were with me when I got lost in Mandaluyong and San Juan. You had brought me to my gimmicks. You had heard me sing my heart out. I won't give you up. I'll come back for you and I'd buy you a sister. It's gonna be the latest model by then.
  • Rowlyn, my best friend. We don't spend so much time together but I'd really miss our conversations.
  • Bliss, Sally, GG, Janice, Jen my girl friends since high school. I'd miss our kakikayans and talks about our future.
  • Ellen, my instant gimmick confidante. I'd miss our spur of the moment gimmicks. Though we have not spent much time together lately, I know I won't have anybody who is as game as you.
  • My room. My sanctuary who has seen the real me. All my secrets and my frustrations are confined in this small pink room.
  • Vhal and Tin. The power of three. Our friendship goes beyond work. Thanks for the food trips and the breakfasts.
  • My BFF and long lost relative Frank. You are back but I'm the one leaving. I promise you I'll keep in touch. Don't sleep much. Hahaha!
  • St. Paul Family. I know that even if I left St. Paul I can always go back and feel welcome. I'll miss you Sr. Teresita, Sr. Aileen, Mrs. Magtrayo, Ms. Patino, Ms. Camacho, Mrs. Villanueva.
  • My teammates and RTC. Thanks for the laugh trips.
  • Eating at McDonalds with the company of good friends. Sure there's gonna be a McDonalds there but it's different when you enjoy the food and you have a good time with friends as well.
  • My students. I'd be missing our barkadahan. Advanced happy birthday and Merry Christmas mga mare!
  • Kathoy. I can never have isaw again without you. You will always be a perennial passenger of my car. I'd miss our misadventures.
  • Ruth, Mavic, Joy, Beanne and Armie. Though we are in different worlds now. I treasure talaga our friendship.
  • Therese, my sister. I'd miss the times when you text me and tell me that you miss me. I miss you and I'd be missing you more girl! We have this mutual admiration for each other that we can't help not to boost each other's ego. In short, we are each other's fan.
  • Adi and RIz, my constant breakfast buddies. I'd miss our Saturday breakfast at Mcdo and our endless daldalan.
  • Shopping malls and shopping especially during Sale season.
  • Going to the grocery.
  • Primetime Bida
  • Gary V. His mall shows and concerts.
  • Food strips.
  • Listening to Friday Magic Madness.
  • The Buzz. May TFC kaya dun sa pupuntahan ko?
  • My collection of movies.
  • My cds.
  • My computer.

I hope I can cope very well when I get there.