My Imaginary Friend

Growing up, we made up stories about having an imaginary friend. We'd tell our playmates that if they bully us, our imaginary friend would get back at them. For a time it worked. Sometimes we ourselves actually believed it existed. But then as they got curious who our imaginary friend is, the suspense fades because we ran out of stories to tell about our friend.

I had an imaginary friend. But I'm not sure if I just made him up or if he actually existed because he's gone. He was a good friend. He would listen to my stories and laugh at my jokes. He would give me advise. I, on the other hand, was also a friend (or was I also his imaginary friend?). I was his shock-absorber. The clown who would cheer him up. The confidante who would assure him that everything is going to be alright. We were shocked that we have certain similarities and in that way we had more things to talk about. Having my imaginary friend was different from the usual platonic relationships. It was fun. I was happy that he was there whenever.

As they say, some good things never last. My imaginary friend is gone. The magic has faded and I don't hear him anymore when I call on him. Maybe it was because we've got nothing more to talk about or we realized it was difficult to be each other's imaginary friend. I've been calling out, shouting at the top of my lungs but my imaginary friend is long gone without even saying goodbye. So long my imaginary friend and I thank you for existing in my imagination.

To my readers, I think I have spooked you enough or you maybe you think I'm going nuts. You will never understand because you never really had a very good imagination or you never had an imaginary friend. I know he's just around and time will tell if I can still have my friendship with him.

To my imaginary friend, Chiching, I miss you. Take time out to think things through and just show up when you're ready. We've got more stories to share. Our imaginary friendship will live on. Surprise me whenever, wherever! And as I always say...

A Heartthrob in the Making

At 3, my nephew Ben has his own website courtesy his mom Joana (my Ate Ning). Check it out, ben.


By the way, below is his mom's latest ad.

Music and Lyrics

Alright, I went out and watched a movie. A first for the year. We saw "Music and Lyrics" starring Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant. It was cute. A light, feel good movie and I love the song...

Way Back into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Nice huh?! (",)

When you're sick, you're doomed (at least in my case)

Who's to blame? I don't know.

I just want to express my disgust over my office's HR department. Well, not all of them but with some. Oh, I so wanna kill some people now!

Yesterday I was rushed from the office to the Medical City because I could not breathe very well. Since I don't have a MEDICARD, the hospital bill was shouldered by Tin and in the evening I paid her back.

Today I was ready to submit my medical certificate and the official receipt of my hospital expenses to our HR department so I can get a reimbursement. I know that the reimbursement is not an overnight thing but at least I'm starting to work on it. We went to HR and the HR personnel wasn't at her post so we were instructed by the guard to wait. Okay! After 15 minutes, she came back and was asking what I need. I told her that I'm submitting my medical cerificate and my hospital bill so I can get reimbursement from MEDICARD. She asked why and I told her that HR, their department, has not given me my 2007 MEDICARD. She was shocked to hear that. She said that cards have been ready for quite some time and asked if I ever got any update on the availability of my card through e-mail. I said "Never!". She looked for my MEDICARD inside a drawer of other cards. Eureka she found my card! Hmmmmm..... She was trying to look up an update on her PC as to when my card came in. She didn't tell us when it was exactly available but she had a puzzled look on her face. As far as my officemates and I know, I don't have a MEDICARD yet. Because the past two months I've been making a follow-up by personally going to their department, but they didn't have it yet. And yesterday, my officemate had called the HR department to check if my MEDICARD is ready because they were going to bring me to the hospital. HR said that it is not yet available and I just need to get all the requirements from the hospital and they will help me get a reimbursement. Okay! That's why I was there to hand over the requirements mentioned. Hmmmmm.... What are the chances that my card just came in on the day that I was brought to the hospital? What are the chances that the card was just in the drawer when my officemate called up yesterday and the freaking personnel did not move her butt up to look for it? But wait, there's more! The HR personnel said that I have to fill out a form and have the attending physician fill it out as well so that the reimbursement from MEDICARD can be reprocessed. Okay!

So I went to the hospital to look for the doctor who took charge of me so she can fill out the form. She's not on duty and comes only to the hospital on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Okay! What irritates me more is the nurse, who I guess just got out from some nursing school, was just grinning with her friends at ths station when I was talking to her. Okay! Had I not given her the tone, she wouldn't bother getting up to check what the doctor's schedule is. So there was nothing much I could do because no one can sign in behalf of my attending physician. Just some thoughts: What if my attending physician won't be there on Wednesday or Thursday or she changes her schedule for that matter? What if she has to go somewhere else? What if she dies? Who's gonna sign that stupid form?!

Okay, so I'm left with nothing but to hope that the doctor shows up on Wednesday and she can give five minutes of her precious time to fill out the form. It is such a hassle and I am broke!

OKAY! What did I learn from this experience? First, it's not good to get sick especially if you don't have a card. Second, people can be very selfish and heartless at times when you are desperate. Third, people can use their position to power trip without even doing their designated jobs.

Hopefully, we won't know when my card became available and I won't know the person whom my officemate have spoken with and did not check my card on that drawer.

I have to relak, don't be ten coz I mayt colap! I can't be forever mad. I hope what you won't go through what you put me through.

The Attack, The Scene

I don't know how I'm going back to the office. Quite a scene I did there this morning and I think I scared a number of people.

I'm scared too. I don't know why such things are happening to me. The past few weeks have been quite a limbo and I am still waiting for the reasons that they are occurring to me. It's either I am so happy or I am so lonely. Hormonal changes? It's the time of the month? Karma? Or there could be other several reasons that I can't figure out at this time.

I think the medicine given to me this morning is taking its effect. A lot of thoughts are running in my head now just like this morning before I had my attack. I was taking a call, when I felt a terrible pain on my chest that I instantly sent an IM to Ate Sundee that we relax a bit until the end of the shift. I told her I could not breathe very well. I think she sent an ok message. Then my vision got hazy when I was taking another call. I was closing my eyes and after that I told Vhal to get me some water because I could not breathe anymore. I was trying to fight back the pain and I was asking God not to let the attack happen in the office. Not there. Not that time. The pain was becoming unbearable and I couldn't move my hands, my legs, my whole body. I could not talk anymore. I was hyperventilating. I was just crying and trying to move my eyes and head when they asked me questions. I was trying to fight back the pain but there was nothing I could really do. They started coming to me, trying to massage my stiff hands and legs. I did try to move but I could not. My tears were just falling. I was catching my breath. I was very scared. They had called for the nurse, for someone to bring the wheelchair, for someone to bring me down to the clinic, for someone to call up my Nanay, for someone to get my Nanay's number from my Tatay without letting my Tatay know that I could not breathe, for someone to look for my Medicard, for someone to drive my car to bring me to the hospital. I don't really know who they were at that time, there were several voices, but I know a lot of people were moving to help me. I thank them so much and I apologize deeply for the trouble that I have caused.

The attacks have been happening lately. But I readily act on it and control myself but this morning there was nothing I could do. Have I been thinking or worrying too much the past few days? I don't know. Or I'm just very tired? The physician said I have very low blood sugar level. How can that be when we have been eating all night in the office? A doctor had previously advised me to relax and not think of my problems too much. That's what I have been doing or so I think. I'm smiling and trying to be happy even if I'm crumbling inside.

I know I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna handle everything well. I'm praying very hard now.

Will Always Be A Dream

Yesterday we were together. Someone I know saw us and asked who I was with. All of a sudden you put your arms around me and quickly replied, "Hi, I'm her boyfriend". I was lost for words. You kept smiling until the person left us. I asked why you said that and you said "because that's the truth". I was so puzzled because we just went out as friends, at least that's what I remember. You kept insisting that you're my boyfriend and I said you're nuts and to quit joking around. You said you knew all along what I feel for you. I was in shock. You said that you've felt the same way ever since but didn't have the guts to tell me. I couldn't help but cry. You gave me the tightest hug ever and you promised that you'll spend the rest of your life with me.

Then again..... Aaaaack, reality bites, I was just dreaming! I had to get up because I was going to be late for work. But what the heck was that dream all about? Was I thinking of you too much? Or was it brought about by the fact that today is Valentine's day and somehow in the deep recesses of my mind I'd like to spend this day with you? C'mon I'm not into Valentine's Day crap of thing! I don't want to join that kind of frenzy whether I'm in or out of a relationship.

Whether it's Valentine's Day or not, I don't mind if my dream comes into reality. Why? Because what I feel for you has been going on for the longest time. I don't know how, when, what or why. I ask myself that too. I tried to go on and live my life as it is but somehow you keep popping back into my mind and my life all these years. I've denied it continuously. It didn't do me any good. I'm like in high school having a huge crush on someone. Is it really just as simple as having a crush?

It's "something" that's far from happening that's why I tried stopping myself from falling for you. We're friends and that's the most important thing for me. We're not the closest friends but I know that when I turn to you, you'll be there for me and I'll be the same as well. With the occasional meetings last year, I knew I was falling deeply that's why I kept my distance and stayed away. I tried shutting you off my life because I know I'm bound to get hurt if I continue what I feel for you.

Yupyupyup, I've loved you longer than any of your previous relationships and the present one! But I did not act on my feelings because I just can't. I'm so afraid of what I feel. Yeah the toughie in me is a weakling when it comes to matters like this one. My friends have advised me to tell you how I feel so I can get it done and over with. Tell you without expecting anything. How could I expect? You are so into a relationship and I'm not the one to break the two of you up. I can't be that person. It would be nice to be that person you love but sad to say, it ain't me. It can never be me.

You surely have an idea. Wag i-deny. Don't tell a lie. Aminin! Let's just not talk about it. It's nothing important. On top of everything, we're friends and that's the best part.

In the meantime, I'll silently love you and wish you all the best in life. You're one good person and you deserve to be happy. I'm gonna be alright friend! Just let me have you at least in my dreams.

Tulog na ko!

Home by Brian McKnight

Thinking back when we first met
I remember what you said
You said you'd never leave me
I let go of your hand
Built my castle in the sand
But now I'm reachin' out again
And I'm not letting go
Till you

Hold me
Mold me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Shape me
make me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way
Back home

Master upon my knees I pray
I just want to be the clay
Put your arms around me
Place my life in your hands
Lord, I know I'm just a man
I know you understand
This time I'm not letting go
Till you

Anoint me
Appoint me
Sometimes I feel so alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Chastise me
Baptize me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way

'Cause I'm lost and alone
I've been wandering
Long enough to know
Humbly I search for you
And I'm not gonna rest
Till you

Choose me
Use me
Sometimes I feel so alone
I'm on my way back home

So why don't you
Direct me
Bless me
Wash me whiter then the snow
I'm on my way
Back home

Today, I heard this song 3 times. On the third time, I had to pull over, close my eyes, let the tears fall down and pray. I know the song by heart but it was so meaningful at this time. I have to face and slay my demons. Go back Home and seek refuge to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. It's possible that the storm is not yet over. But in God's perfect time, I will emerge victorious.

Share ko lang 'to from my friend:
Sadness is self-inflected.
You need not bother too much about crappy, shitty occurences around you.
But then again, you tend to get yourself involved.
Happiness is self-induced just the same.
As they say, it's just a matter of perspective.
So while you still have the chance to shape you day's mood, choose:
Would you rather be happy or sad?
Life is good.
Life is bad.
You decide.

I Made and Lost a Friend in a Week!

How does a friendship start? How does a friendship end?

When do two people start becoming friends? Is it brought by circumstances? similarities? or plain coincidence?

I don't make friends easily. My friends who have known me for a number of years would know that. I stopped being "Miss Congeniality" when I got into college. I guard myself from new acquaintances.

But I made a friend a week ago. I thought it would last. Much to my dismay, it did not. I don't think it's gonna continue after what happened. I wanted to clear things out and be able settle things once and for all. I wasn't given that chance.

I know it was supposed to be between the two of us. But I could not help but react. I am entitled to my reaction because I am a person with feelings. I admit I was emotional at that point. Who would not be? I was being accused of something that is far from being true. What's so shocking is that the insinuation was coming from the person whom I have completely trusted in such a very short time! All these time that we were getting to know each other, were you thinking of me that way? But these are just thoughts that are now running through my head. I wanted to know the truth. Believe me, I'm not being defensive with my reaction. Were you telling me those things because you were being a friend and you wanted to protect me? Or were you one of those who have already judged me? If everything was a joke, it wasn't funny and it will never be.

I wanted to talk to you. I'm being put on the spot now but I wasn't given the chance. First of all, I never meant for this to blow out of proportion but my reputation is at stake whether it happened last year or some eons ago. Second, I don't want you to go through this ordeal and add up to your problems. I did not make friends with you just to make you suffer more. Third, I would never want to hurt you because you are a friend or I was a friend to you.

There's no chance to salvage this friendship. I am crying because I already considered you like family, like a long lost cousin. I don't want enemies.

This is such a nightmare for both of us. It would not be diffcult for me to apologize if I'm at fault but I want to know the truth because it will not appear like that if it was just made up. As you simply put it, it was a joke! Again, not funny!

After such a long time, I was being friendly. Friendly to a fault! Confused, torn, deeply hurt that I have to let go of what was a friendship. I wish you well. You'll never hear from me again nor do anything that will make matters worse and I hope you do the same.

To Lei for the advise, to my cousin for the joke that cracked me up, to my family, to the people who know the real me, love you guys! How could I ask for more?

This was ringing in my head when I was trying to hold back my tears:

Someone's waiting for you

Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad little tear
Hold your head up though no one is near
Someone's waiting for you

Don't cry little one
There'll be a smile where a frown used to be
You'll be part of a love that you see
Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little pray'r in your pocket
And you're sure to see the light
Soon, there'll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright

Have faith little one
'til your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone's waiting to love you