April... I love it!

Someone mentioned that I've been saying "I love it!" quite a lot. I never really noticed it. But what the heck?! "I love it!". I have come to terms with the events that are going on with my life.

With work, there's nothing I can really do about it. It gets harder each shift. As Maroon 5 puts it: "It's getting harder and harder to breathe...". But I did look forward to the end of each shift.

It wasn't a blue summer after all. For one, I had my birthday and again I thank those who have shared the celebration with me. The greetings were good enough. I felt important. (sniff, sniff) For those who have forgotten it (Attention Kathleen Paz at si.....), sige ganyanan! Just kidding!

This was also a time for reflection. Baby you gotta give me time and I'm gonna be ready for it. Hahaha! Every big decision would take some ample time of preparation. You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait. I sound crazy now! But I appreciate the space because I needed it.

I gained a lot of weight this month. Tsk, tsk, tsk! It was because of all the feasting that I went to. Food ~ such an irresistable temptation.

April is over. Everytime my birthday comes, I always think that summer would be over soon and the freakin' heat would go away too (yehey!). But I just wanna be on the beach! Sunburn!

Will the month of May be as good as this one? I still hope so. My brother is coming home in two weeks. Will I ever set foot on the beach and enjoy the sun? Or will I gain more because of our family gatherings? Ah whatever! All I can say is April.... "I LOVE IT!".

Best hirit for the month:
"Nung bata ka, ambait-bait mo nga e tsaka sobrang tahimik mo." - Kuya Rommell, my cousin

* I really couldn't believe what he said. He's the first and only person who said that about me. I wanted to ask him if he actually saw me as kid. But guys, he was really serious. So be it, I love it! (",)

Bless You Both

It's no surprise that these two would eventually end up with each other. Yup, Gladys and Pao. Gladys was a PMS co-applicant and batchmate. I'm just happy that she was one of those in our batch who can think straight even with the humor that she can sometimes put in. A beautiful Paulinian who was insecure of her forehead. C'mon THAT forehead housed THAT brain THAT made you a lawyer. THAT enough said! Hahaha!

Pao back then was a a friend of our batch because he was going out with Gladys. He would occasionally hang out and connive with us. A year later, he was to become one of our applicants but we couldn't touch Paolo. He had this sort of "immunity" from us and of course he's a friend.

Then we eventually became orgmates. It was really fun just talking to the two of them. The energy and humor were always there. How in the world can they live like that?! Of course they would have their low moments but they're Paolo and Gladys. We were their unofficial fans.

Of the two of them, Paolo showed such faith in God. I would find myself talking to Paolo about Christianity and lifting everything to The Lord. Paolo is such a nice person to begin with and his wish back then was for Gladys to walk in faith with him and The Lord. Your prayer has been answered bro!

I'm not saying that Gladys is a bad person. She is not! If she is, then I am too because we came from the same cheating batch. Hahaha! She had a free-spirited attitude but eveything fell into place. I'm so proud of you Donits!

Their most awaited day finally came and tears and smiles filled the venue. Pao, you had us not at "hello" but at the minute you positioned yourself by the altar and tearfully waited as Gladys walked down the aisle. What a moment! The wedding is beautiful. All of us wish you both a bless-filled marriage with five kids (as Paolo requested). I'll see you both soon and tawa tayo ulet. I love you both!

at alam nyo ba kay Gladys ko nakuha yung expression na "TAWA TAYO ULET!". NAKAKAHAWA. (",)

It's just another Number

I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop

-Grey's Anatomy

I just had my birhday weekend and I loved the simplicity of the celebration. I even had my driver's license renewed that day. Nothing fancy. Just a day to celebrate with my loved-ones. Of course, the surprises left me in awe and I so appreciate the effort that was done. Thank you!

For those who remembered to greet me and those who have celebrated with me. Thank you! My heart is just filled with happiness. You guys are really the best.

Hey, it's not yet too late to have my McDonald's party next year.

Seriously Grey's Anatomy

Growing up, I've always wanted to become a doctor. But you know, there were other plans (and I don't wanna get to that at this time). Well I enjoy and still enjoy watching medical dramas. I started with Doogie Howser M.D., then E.R., then Scrubs and now I'm going gaga over Grey's Anatomy.

Oh yes! I just started watching it a few days back and I'm hooked. I know I'm sooo late. When it started its run here, I knew I was missing a lot. My friends have been talking about it and I was so clueless. Such a loser when it comes to chats about Grey's Anatomy until recently when I got a message from a friend quoting a line from the series. Seriously? SERIOUSLY, the quote struck me. It was a quote that was so appropriate at that time. I couldn't believe that the quote could be so deep that I wanted to watch it right then and there. It's like hearing Ally Mcbeal's words again but this time around the storylines would affect me so much.

And now, as I've said I'm watching. SERIOUSLY. I'm learning a lot. I can't believe that there was an illness on uncontrollabe blushing. And there is a neuron in the brain that can be operated on to cure it. Nice! It's science and of course the show is all about the drama.

And of course, what kind of show would that be without the presence of a beautiful face. I'm all for Patrick Dempsey a.k.a. Dr. Derek Shepherd. Everyone's McDreamy. SERIOUSLY! What a sight! It's the chase between him or his character and Meredith. I so wanna go to med school each time I see him. I've watched his earlier movies and it was nothing. But now, he's so hot making him one of Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006. He doesn't look his age. SERIOUSLY! I so wanna stroke his hair! I love it.....

Enough of Patrick Dempsey. I also enjoy T.R. Knight's character. He was everyone's best friend George. Bad boy Alex Carev, played by Justin Chambers, also surprises me with his unexpected lines especially about first kiss. Whoa that was something! How can I forget Cristina? The character who doesn't want to feel and be felt. She's the spice in the story. I can't wait to watch the succeeding episodes with Eric Dane. He, on the other hand, is McSteamy.

I don’t know how intense my addiction for Grey’s Anatomy could get. Will it be as intense as ? We’ll see about that. In the meantime, let me just go and look at McDreamy again.

From Grey's Anatomy

That Knowing is better than wondering.
that Waking is better than sleeping.
And even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

Whoever said that "What you don't know can't hurt you" was a complete and total moron.
Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

Fight the Fights WORTH Fighting For

I had a very weird dream. I still can't believe it happened, at least in my dream. I prayed so hard last night and I told God to help me let go of my feelings because it's high time to move on. But still, in my subconscious he was still there.

I was running with an officemate to catch the next elevator at the office. We were laughing so hard upon entering the elevator because we were talking about something really, really funny. When we got in, there were two guys and I recognized them. One was a high school friend and the other one was "My Missing Piece". I asked them where they were going. My high school friend said that he was accompanying "My Missing Piece" in applying. For some reason, the trip from the lower ground to the 41st floor was unbelievably fast. My officemate and I got off. But when I reached my work station, I decided to go back and follow them. I went to the floor where they were going. I did not see them. I boarded the next elevator down and immediately ran out of the building. I ran for about a block to find "My Missing Piece" but he was nowhere. When I got home, my mom asked me why I looked so down. I told her that I was just tired and then I headed to my room to change. A few minutes later, my mom called me to say that I have a visitor waiting outside the house. She invited the visitor to come in but refused to. I was curious who it was. When I got out of the gate, "My Missing Piece" was standing outside his car and looked so serious. My heart was pounding really fast but I approached him with a smile on my face. I asked him what he was doing at my office and he said, "I was supposed to apply. And by the way I came by just to let you know that I love you very much!". Whoa I was totally shocked and before I knew it he was planting a kiss on my lips. It was a short, sweet kiss. Then I moved away and went in front of his car, I turned my back because I did not want him to see that I was smiling from ear to ear.

Then I woke up. What was that all about?!!!! C'mon this is too much! This makes it a lot harder because it looked and felt real. Very, very, very vivid! And my imagination is really something, don't you think?! My dream will never, ever happen. If that happens, I would do cartwheels around our block.

Of all people, why him? We're just friends and that's how it's going to be. I know that for a fact. Reality check, he's my friend and he has someone else. We can never go beyond friendship even though I've been feeling like this for ages. It's either I keep my mouth shut and keep my friendship with him. Or open my mouth and loose whatever I have with him. This is so difficult. Many have advised me to be honest with him and say what I feel so I can get it done and over with. My question is "What for?". What good will it do me? I won't get anything out of it and I might just get laughed at my face. But being a gentleman that he is, I think he won't say anything at all or he might just say "thank you but you know I can't". I KNOW and that's what hurts me most! I wanted you to know because you deserve to hear the truth and there's some truth that I'd like to hear as well. I wanted to validate what I feel. But am I ready to hear the answer? Will I ever be ready for it? I know where I stand and I don't want to ruin his relationship. Will I ever get my chance? Tough luck! It's not even a competition. He has been won by someone else and even before I get into the picture, I am already defeated. It's not worth giving a shot. As my friend told me, I have to fight the fights worth fighting for. There's nothing to fight for because the fight is over even before it began. If I go on, I'm bound to get hurt all the more. I hurt because I love but this has to stop.

A friend forwarded me this message:
One cannot question the existence of feelings; they are there raw and undeniable.
But one can choose to not nurture what is felt.
Yet, no matter what they say, what has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen.
Hence, true realities are not built by the mind but by the heart...

Oh March, please march away!

It's the first day of April and they call it April Fool's Day. Is it possible to get just a day of fools or a day for fools? I don't wanna get into the reason that such a day was created. But can it be that fate has been fooling me the past fews weeks or months? March was no different from February. I live each day with fear that it might turn out bad. I know it's such a bad thought but I made sure that I am always on guard. Trying to keep my defenses in check. But you know there were still times when my defenses fall weak and I get momentarily trapped into the abyss.

I just don't seem to understand why I'm always in a limbo. Least to say, there are moments that I feel happy. It wasn't always the down moments. I just don't know why I can't get to that place called happiness and contentment. I ask myself if I'm always asking for more. I don't think so. I just ask what I need and hope that I get it. If I were to put a ratio for the month that was, there were more pitfalls than summits. I would get a taste of that summit but then I couldn't hang on to it. All I have were mental pictures of it and wish that it happens again to me. This life tests me in the least unexpected way.

There was a time that I was super depressed because I can't understand what I was feeling. Lo and behold, the following day some unexpected surprise happens that I had to pinch myself constantly to check that I wasn't dreaming. But as I said it was momentary, it was fleeting. I'm not even sure if it's gone. I would be able to fix a relationship with a friend but then before I knew it he was being taken away from me. I know there's an underlying reason for that. I love someone so much but I can never have him. But why does he keep coming back into my life? Someone loves you so much but you love someone else. How difficult can that be?

At my age, I'm supposed to know what to do but I get to a point when I'm so confused. I don't know if I have to step forward or backward. Is this a test that I have to go through before my birthday comes? I'm tired of crying on my birthdays. Ever since I was 18, I've always cried on my birthdays for varied reasons. I'm tired of it. I just wanna get over that day without shedding a tear even if it's gonna be tears of joy. No more tears for me please!

I guess I have to continue with my shaky life. I'm still thankful for the fun times with people and the situations. I can still smile and thankfully laugh every now and then. I always have to rise above the situation because if not, I'm gonna be at the losing end. I just wanna be completely happy. But is there such a thing?

To cap the month of March, I had a good massage, a facial, good company and churros (that I've been craving for days). Thankfully, the last day of March was a good one.

It's April and I'm still hoping that it gets better. I deserve a break from all these and I look forward to my cheesecake birthday. The quest for the cheesecake in town has just began. I just bought myself 3 slices and I got a kick out of it. Simple pleasures can simply make me smile. Hey, let's wish me a Happy Birthday!

PS:

Best hirits for the month of March:
I am torn between two unforgettable hirits for the month that I can't forget.

I was leaving early for work because we were having dinner with our clients. All dressed and made up I was checking my car when my neighbor's 3-year old daughter passed by. I barely know her and she doesn't see me everytime. Here's what she said in her high-pitched cute voice: "HELLO! Ang ganda mo. Ano pangalan mo?". That kid is amazing!

I was walking with my officemate to the MRT one morning. I was asking him why he was so quiet. I was always the one talking. He said he's really a shy person. Then seriously, he asked me if I notice that his hands are always in his pockets and if I took psychology because there was an explanation for that. I told him I had a few units of psych. He asked "Alam mo ba yung reason kung bakit nasa bulsa ko parati yung kamay ko?". I answered without thinking "kase makati yung singit mo!'. Clearly I wasn't thinking at all and I found myself laughing at my answer.